I have frustration issues. I guess I could chalk it up to comments by my loving husband about being a "control freak" or OCD or something, but I'm more inclined to believe that I'm just resistant to change. :)
I like things as they are. I don't like to upset the apple cart and I really don't like the unknown. That being said, we just leaped into a heap of unknown and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.
Kevin came home two weeks ago with the bad news that his company is cutting all overtime. They are stable financial ground, but feel the need to control spending a little more due to the economy (blah!). Wonderful for them, really sucky for us. Losing overtime is a huge loss to us, and I'm not sure how it's going to work out.
I'm so thankful that we followed the prophet and have worked to build up our food storage, but it still looks pitifully meager. I'm glad we have no debt except our house and one small credit card. I'm also thankful for the law of Tithing and the blessings that come from it, so I know that we are being looked after...it's just that darn unknown thing again that's bugging me.
Strange huh? I know we are being watched over, but I'm frustrated because I don't know what is going to happen. Is that really possible? I've started to worry that my testimony isn't where it should be or that I'm not humble enough and maybe that's why we have these challenges. (sigh)
A few weeks ago, a lesson in RS really hit me hard. The teacher compared the number of Latter Day Saints to the population of the world. It turns out that LDS people are 1 in 67,000,000 (that's 67 million folks). It was a WOW moment for me. I've never thought of it in those terms.
That Sunday night, I used the same comparison in FHE. I had my kids picture a pile of 67,000,000 pennies and a piece of gold on top of that pile. I explained that they are that piece of gold. I explained to them that Satan wants that gold to be a penny, so he does everything he can to make it into a penny. But, Heavenly Father wants our gold to be shiny so he lets Satan try, but the harder he works and the more we resist and do what is right, the shinier our piece of gold gets.
So, I'm trying to picture that now for me... that my gold piece is just getting shinier by enduring these trials. Usually it works.
I guess my frustration today stems from a letter Kevin brought home yesterday that said to expect conservative financial dealings for the next 12-24 months. I don't even know how we can go that long on a depressed salary. I know our food storage won't go that long even if we use our tax return to build it up again.
I'm wondering if I'll need to get a job outside the home. I've tried to take on another kid and more lessons, but everyone is cutting back these days. I'm wondering if I'll be able to start school next fall. I'm wondering how we can buy clothes, shoes, and other necessities for our kids. I'm wondering about a lot of things and trying not to worry and trying to have more faith and hope.
I just read what I wrote and I sound unhappy...not my intention, but I decided I'm not going to change it because it's how I feel and what I'm thinking, and I needed to get these thoughts and feelings off my chest. But, I'm not unhappy at all. I still love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything...I guess I just need to be less resistant to change. :)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
AAAARRGH!!
Posted by Crazy Petersens at 8:32 AM
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4 comments:
I hear you Sister! Dave and I are in a similar situation; except we have quite a bit of debt from our two cross country moves. Hopefully with Dave's new job he just started we can really start paying it all off! I'm glad to hear that you have some food storage, we have not been able to build any up, we have barely had enough just for our basic food bill-again, hopefully with the new job we can improve on that!
Good luck...sending good feelings/wishes/prayers your way.
I've been thinking of this a lot lately. I read in the scriptures about Nephi, the son of Heleman, who prayed for a famine so the hearts of the people would be turned to God. The Famine came, and Nephi had to suffer through the famine with the unrighteous, but he knew he would be ok and didn't perish, like so many. I think that in today's "famine" the Lord might be able to use the righteous as examples for the unrighteous. We'll get through it and others will see and perhaps change their course. It won't be without heartache and pain, but we have the peace that we're doing all we can...and we won't perish.
Although I'm sad about the bishop, I think their example of taking care of financial possible catastrophe, is so magnanomous.
I love your gold analogy.
Okay, that was long and a bit soap box-ish. I guess it's on all of our minds. I'm glad none of us are really alone. And....you don't sound unhappy. You sound real.
Love you.
You are never soap box-ish. You have a deep well of faith and insight. I do believe you are one of my favorite people. :)
I feel your pain...unfortunately :(
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